


Captain's Log

by Shayheyred



Series: Stand-up Commentary [1]
Category: Hebrew Bible
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Meta, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-27
Updated: 2011-10-27
Packaged: 2017-10-25 00:23:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/269575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shayheyred/pseuds/Shayheyred
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Notes from the (very private) notebook of Noah</p><hr/>
            </blockquote>





	Captain's Log

_Tuesday the 9th_  
What’s up with all the fleshly lawlessness these days? Is everyone going nuts? What’s the world coming to?

Decided to drop in on the couple across the donkey track to palm off some of my extra zucchini (note to self: do NOT plant zucchini again — it takes over your whole garden) only to discover them having an orgy with the people down the block! I told them off for being lewd and lascivious. They seemed to think it had something to do with me and the missus not being invited.

As if.

* * *

_Wednesday the 10th_  
Hoo boy, this was some day.  
Was in the workshop trying to fix the @!#* &! ox-cart and heard someone calling me. Thought it was my nogoodnik son Ham, come to “borrow” my tools again (not that I ever got back my favorite hammer).

YOU’LL NEVER GUESS WHO IT REALLY WAS  
OMG!!!!!  
OMG  
OM

I need a drink.

* * *

Let me get this straight… A flood. There’s going to be a flood.  
God is going to wipe out my sleazy neighbors.  
AND EVERYBODY ELSE.  
AND HE NEEDS MY HELP.

* * *

And I’m supposed to know what a _cubit_ is, right off the top of my head?

* * *

I ask you, should a 600-year-old man have to do such heavy lifting?

* * *

ARK DONE  
AM SO DRNUK!!!!

* * *

_Sunday_  
The kids are rounding up animals. Overheard this witty repartee:

Shem: Ham, go get the pigs and wild boars.  
Ham: Yeah, okay.  
Shem: Get it?  
Ham: Get what?  
Japheth: It’s a pun! He said, “Ham, get the pigs!” “Ham,” “pigs —”  
Ham: ...I don’t get it.

My sons are idiots.

* * *

_Wednesday the 17th, 7 AM_  
It’s raining.

 _11 AM_  
Really, really hard.

 _3 PM_  
Seriously, it’s like some kind of a fl—  
Ah. Aha.  
 _Oy vey._

* * *

_Captain’s Log, Day 3_  
Steady rain

Idiot Son #2 (Shem) loaded porcupines next to marmosets. Mating was attempted.

Luckily we have backup marmosets due to Idiot Son #3 being unable to count.

* * *

_Captain’s Log, Day 15_  
Still raining

Japheth (Idiot Son #1) called me down to the hold. It _stinks_ down there. This is the last time I construct an ark with only one skylight and no cross-ventilation, let me tell you.

I.S. #1: Pop, we’ve got a little problem.  
Me: Show me.  
I.S. #1: See?  
Me: See what?  
I.S. #1: Look closer!  
Me: What the —? They’re both _males_.  
I.S #1: Ham got confused.  
Me: What a dolt.  
I.S. #1: What do we do, Pop?  
Me: What can we do? Nothing!

So much for the unicorns.

* * *

_Captain’s Log, Day 19_  
Lord, was there _really_ a reason we had to save mosquitoes?

* * *

_Captain’s Log, Day…I have no idea_  
Still raining

A snake swallowed one of the field mice and we had to squeeze it for half an hour to make it upchuck.  
Daughters-in-law #1, 2 & 3 plus missus still screaming.  
Mouse came out okay. Me, I may never recover, nauseous like you shouldn’t know from it.

I’ll be in my bunk if anyone needs me.

* * *

_Captain’s Log, Day ENOUGH ALREADY_

Everyone high from elephant-poop fumes.  
Still @%&! raining  
RAINING. RAINING. R-A-I-N-I-N-G lalalalalalalalalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

* * *

_Day 40_  
Stopped raining  
STOPPED. RAINING.  
 **IT STOPPED RAINING!!!!  
THANK YOU, GOD!  
LIFE IS GOOD! CELEBRATE!! WE’VE MADE IT! HURRAY! HUZZAH! HALLELUJAH!**

* * *

Dove missing in action. Maybe I should try a homing pigeon.  
Wait a min—  
LAND HO!!!!!!

* * *

The missus just complained about how I parked the ark.


End file.
